Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Meaning of Life Behind Each Blink

I was woken up at 2AM to be given my second dose, I felt woozy and on the way to the bathroom I blacked out and fell. The next thing I knew there were about 4 nurses pulling me up off the floor, hoisting me back onto the bed. One of them wouldn’t let go of my arm and when I looked over she was slapping a bright yellow ‘Fall Risk’  bracelet on me.  I didn’t feel very well, my mouth was already starting to get extremely dry as the night nurse hooked up bag number two. At about 4AM it started again with inner core coldness. I switched on my heating pad and tried to sink, and push myself into the heat, but morphine and toasted blankets were the only thing that would tame my violent shaking. This is the cycle that was to be every 8 hours for the whole 5 day stay.

Each day I grew weaker and my mouth felt like it was full of semi-wet  corn meal. My teeth tasted funny and felt like they were puffing up like densely coated cheese puffs. I forced myself to eat and drink water. Everything tasted of stale medical vapor. I tried to entertain myself by watching kids movies on the DVD player. The first movie took me two days to watch.  I couldn’t focus well and I kept getting interrupted by various staff members checking up on me. Dan would come to sit with me every day; thank god for him to keep me company - though I wasn’t much company to him. It must have been hard on him to see me change from who I am to a weak ghostly version of myself.

The days blended together, there are little things I remember like my ‘Fall Risk’ bracelet getting too tight. I had gained something like 20 pounds in water. My eyes were swollen shut. I made sure not to look at myself in the mirror, because I didn’t want to see that I looked like what I felt like. The few times I did take a peek, I didn’t recognize the Play-Doh version of me. My head looked as if it had been cranked out of the square hole of the Play-Doh Mega Fun Factory. I had become a red cube head, with no features - the tussle of black hair was the only thing I recognized. I had a swollen puppies tummy that was so uncomfortable it made it hard to sleep - too bad that’s where I took most of my Heparin shots. I still have bruises.

I kept the DVD player going day and night - it got easier to watch, it became great company. The thing about it was, that as the days went on - I started to see things behind the images. There were bright yellow, trimmed in black, triangles and rectangles holding all the images in place. Each particle of an actors face was hinged on one of these geometric shapes. I could only see them when the scene changed or when I blinked. I noticed as I reached the higher numbers in the amount of doses I took,  I could see there was something behind everything that existed when I blinked.  Maps, formulas, and equations squashed in-between the spot where your upper and lower eye lid meet. These images showed how everything is put together, how all things work - the secret to life if you will.  I kept thinking that's so much information for one person to know. How could I possibly retain it all. So when Dan popped in to watch over me I tried to forget about it and instead told him of my animal friends waiting for me at home. Dan asked which friends? And I replied, " Beaky (our sweet parakeet),  and you know, the furry hippo!"  Dan just laughed!

No comments:

Post a Comment