Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Naked Truth

Sometimes it's just really hard to sit down and write this blog! I get tired and it's really hard to remember all the things that have happend, both good and bad. I still have such a hard time typing. It could be the combo of blurry eyesight, leftover brain tumor, or just what people call chemo-brain. I don't like that term - but I know I have foggy hazy longlasting clouds of knot completely engaging with what is happening. I misspell words I know how to spell. I know the difference between not and knot.  I have very short term memory too. I'll walk into a room a completley forget what I was doing. Typing is hared because my fingers arn't conected to my brain and the keyboard in the same way they used to be. I find that I have to spend so much time fixing what I wrote. When I go back to review, I find that I used words that I didn't know I had typed that have nothing to do with what wanted to say. I'm don doing any corrections so you can get an idea of how bad it get's most of the time.

(I have to start correcting again. I can't stand looking at all the dyslexic twisted words. All though I'll tell you that I have to correct my own name a lot ot her time (a lot of the time) Letah Ok! Enough!)

I'm at the clinic and have been here since 11 am this morning now it's 2:26. I'm waiting for the pulmonologist. Just for a checkup. If you have read my past blog, you will know that I've been having panic attacks. All this time I've been blaming prednisone for my jumpy heart and breathing issues, and I was just suffering anxiety. Earlier this morning I saw my cancer counsellor and my psychiatrist; so now I'm very tired and sleepy.

I've been having all these changes with my drug doses which has made me feel like being a big o' lump. I found out that I had 0 (bordering on undetectable) cortisol levels, and that's why I wasn't feeling very motivated. I've had chronic diarrhea, which I thought was the fault of the Zoloft - but turns out it was the Zelboraf. I take something like 20 or more pills per day! That's too many!~

Please play this mp3 while reading this next bit. This version is by Sons of the Pioneers.
umbling Tumbleweeds 1946.mp3

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So, I was sleeping the other night and my eyebrows fell off. It's crazy I still have hair on my head - but nowhere else. The hair on my head can also be found in tumbleweeds all across the house. Hair is EVERYWHERE! It's amazing I still have any on left on my head- though, I suspect I'll be looking like Cindy Lou Who in about one or two more months. Had I any forethought, I could have saved it all up for a wig made of my own hair. I can feel it dropping out of my head. I'm like...What's crawling on me? Oh! It's only wayward strands of hair on a voyage to the floor, sink, car, etc... 

I decided that if it all goes, I'll make some kind of fake fur hair hat, instead of a wig. And maybe some crazy Anime contacts for the eyeballs. I quite like the dolly ones.

The key to not feeling bad about what's happening is not to look in the mirror very much. I'm super lucky because I have such a loving husband that thinks I'm attractive no matter what. He's always there for me, and I love him! Though he does like it when I have eyebrows! Which makes sense, because everyone looks like an alien when they don't have hair above their eyes! I don't miss the lashes so much, because I never really wore tons of mascarra.

I'm very good at drawing on eyebrows, from all my years as a makeup-artist - but drawn ones are flat and rub off quite easily. I did do this for a while, and it's OK but....

I started to think about fake wig eyebrows. Surely they exist? I hunted high and low for something that looked natural. I found some at Headcovers Unlimited. But at the time, they only had mens blonde eyebrows, and they happened to be on sale for $13 - from the usual $44.00, because they were out of stock on all other eyebrows; and obviously blonde men hadn't been kicking the doors down for fake eyebrows. The eyebrows are made from real human hair with a latex backing- so I figured I’d buy a pair, cut them down then dye them black.

I couldn’t wait to get them! When they arrived I was shocked and excited to see they came from the little town I grew up in, called League City, Texas; not only that, but just down the street from where I lived as a child! I used to ride my banana-seat bike up and down that road. Now I’ve got two fuzzy human hair caterpillars glued to my face, and they came from my little home town! Weird!  The glue holds fast and has held strong for three days straight! That's withstanding showers and my facedown sleeping habit, they're amazing! I’m spreading the word, and trying to get Headcovers Unlimited a deal at Duke Boutique, the little cancer shop in the clinic. Everyone wants eyebrows! Right?

I remember in the 90’s there was an Asian girl in the East Village that had thick black electrical tape eyebrows. I think after awhile she started to paint them on instead of using tape; she may have worked at Indochine.  I didn't know her - she was just, noticeable.  Now I ask, was she just trendy and ahead of her time being 'Arty"; or was she having some medical issues that needed disguising? Hmm.......

Anyway I’m happy with  my new eyebrows which look pretty realistic.

Enough about eyebrows!

I've been seeing a physiatrist to deal with the anxiety I've acquired. And I think back to the beginning. My god! I don't know how I got this far. I don't even realize what I've been through. Like having a brain tumor - I hardly remember that! To most people it would be crippling - but to me it now seems just like a blip. It is amazing how much of a force this cancer is to reckon with. I think I’m in a good place with it, then whammy - something else happens. Right now I feel like I’m in a good place. I have lot’s of drugs to take that are giving me loads of side-effects, but I’m much less cancer-y than I have been. The lung nodes are hanger-on’s but the rest of me is clear -‘wondrously clear’! I have to say, that my Pulmonologist confessed to me that he thought I was doing poorly the last time he saw me, and he thought to himself that I was on the decline. He was a bit shocked (happily) to see how well I’m responding to the Zelboraf. It’s true I am responding. The Zelboraf’s making squemous cell sarcomas on me that have to be removed every so often, mostly from my face and back. As I write, I still have the bandaid on my face from the surgery I had a few days ago. I told the dermatologist that it didn’t matter to me if the surgery made a scar. It doesn't matter, because I’m now more scar tissue than skin! "What?! Who cares?!" (pulling at my shirt at the neckline).

See! I don't look so bad after all!

I look surprised in this photo - because I could very soon look like.....


"What!? Who Cares!?"

Isn't that what cancer's all about? Having fun with the last bit of life you have, and enjoying the people around you? I'm a lucky one!

PS:  !!!!!!! There are very cute fuzzy hat's like the one pictured above at: Great Fuzzy Hats Fur Every Occasion! These hat's are terrific!


  1. You rock in more ways than I can express.

  2. I love your blog! So glad you shared it today! You have great writing style. Oddly enough, my husband and I currently live in League City, TX :)

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  4. I realize that nothing is fair but I'm still trying. I just want to do my best and what is possible

  5. I often get emotionally involved. Like when I read your post, I can cry, laugh, sad, funny, depending on your written words. I think you are a sensitive person.