You can buy her new record 'Overdue' @ http://www.circuitdesyeux.net/
I'm in love with this record. Buy it, you'll be happy you did.
Fear. Paralyzing fear. This is what I've been struggling with these last few months. It sneaked up on me slow like the kudzu that takes over a tree. I didn't realize it until I was so over-taken, that all I could do was lay on the bed, unmotivated and shivering deep inside.
I was sort of buzzing, but at the same time I felt lifeless. I had the computer on my chest for days as I laid in bed, the only movement was from using my mouse to scroll through Facebook to see how other people were living their lives; then clicking ‘Like’ here and there.
I don't want to be afraid - but I am. I’m very afraid. I got a relatively good PET scan on July 9th. Tiny bits of melanoma in my left calf but nothing to worry about too much. And I was thinking - 'I’m really beating this thing!'
It was really interesting - as soon as I was told I had two brain tumors, I felt such relief from the fear. I see now that most of the fear stemmed from the unknown. Once I knew what was going to happen, and a plan was in place; the fear subsided quite a bit.
I’m going back into the mask on August 22nd with the laser pointed at the dreaded spots. I've had Radio-Surgery done before, so I'm not too worried about the outcome this time - but three months from now when I get a follow up MRI; I'll be in that black space again, because if anything shows up then I'll have to do whole brain radiation (WBR) and that scares me to death. No one knows the complete effects of WBR - it’s different for each person. My brain surgeon can't give me an answer on how much I'll be affected by it. Most people lose their short term memory; which I already have some issues with. It can make people more susceptible to stroke, and Neurocognitive function impairment. Decline can be expected four months after treatment. To what degree is unknown.
It’s an amazing thing that no one in the world knows what happens when consciousness ceases to exist in a person. By all means it is the definition of death - but what then? Nothing? Something? Reincarnation? Do I exist in a parallel universe, and if so will that be enough for me? I suppose I wouldn't know because I could die in that universe too! All this thinking makes my tumors throb.
I had my wonderful beast friend Rufus cremated when he passed six years ago. I would like him to be buried with me; his ashes laid out along my side. I think that would make him happy too! He’s been cramped up in a little white plastic box on our fireplace mantle far too long. Then we could play 'patty cake patty cake' together forever and ever. And maybe hook up with my first love, Slash. He was a black version of Rufus, and my first special furry friend. I was 13 when he died, it was tragic.
Some good news: I found out that I get my burial paid for by the Osage tribe for up to $3,000.00 - and I can be buried anywhere in the United States. That's the bit of land we American Indians get back from the genocide of the Indian Wars and the land that was stolen from the indigenous people by the white immigrants of the "New United States".
So, awhile ago I saw this great talk on TED, by Jae Rhim Lee, about cremation and how it releases toxins into the air, and Jae came up with a death suit made of dirt, mushroom spores and bugs. That sounds appealing to me, you get a jump start on giving back to the world. I’d rather be a tree than be under one.
So I guess I'm just doing my best to live and keep on the edge of excitement and creativity, and confront my fear to make friends with it, and learn from it. I've been practicing meditation, I find it hard - but I want to learn to be with myself and be aware of the world around me - I'm sure there are so many things I've paid no attention to in the past.