|Not Normal Heart Beats|
I've yet to tell you the great news! The Zelboraf drug is working and my cancer is down! I only have cancer in my lungs. The bit that was in my small intestines and chest has gone! So I'm thinking I should be feeling great! Why am I not feeling great!? I should be racing around the block, jumping up and down and parachuting like some old lady doing her bucket list. Instead, I've been clutching at my chest, being short of breath and have a manic jimmy leg. I've been quite paralyzed for the last few weeks and haven't been able to do much of anything. I did take Dan on a trip to one of the neighboring towns, just to get out to do me some good - but sadly it ended in a white knuckled, full on panic attack at the wheel of our car on the highway! I made an early exit off the highway fearing I may succumb to my light-headedness, and drove slowly down the back roads home. I've now been prescribed Zoloft, and have seen a bonafide Psychiatrist who has diagnosed me as having chronic anxiety.
I have also been, under doctors orders, weaning off of Prednisone and Levothyroxin which has made me incredibly emotional. It's leveled out now, but in my heightened emotional state my good friend Joe died unexpectedly. I couldn't believe it! As many others who dearly loved Joe, I couldn't imagine the world without him. It hit me very hard. It put the fear of death in me. I've thought of dying, but just can't imagine what that would be like. What would the experience be like? Would it hurt, and then not hurt? I watched my cat, my dear sweet Rufus die before my eyes. We had to put him down because of his kidney disease, and we chose to be with him, to comfort him when he was euthanized. It was horrible! There he was, my Rufus; then when the injection took hold he was gone. He was truly gone. He wasn't my Rufus any longer. Death is so strange. I'm here now and then one day I won't be here. I get sad when I think about the things I'll miss out on. Future things I couldn't know about. How can one miss the future? I do sometimes. I think about Joe, and how he lives on in the people that loved him. I suppose I will live on in the people around me, in what they remember of me. I try not to be afraid, but I suppose there isn't a way to not fear the unknown. So I do my best to put it out of my mind and go on living like nothing is hanging over head. It's been harder with my eye not working well. I haven't painted, read, or been on the computer much. But now that my eye is healing, and I have a new glasses prescription, I plan to make some more music and do some more paintings and get back to living. I can't wait for that Zoloft to kick in!
I want to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday and a great New Year! And I want to thank everyone that has helped us out since my diagnoses. We couldn't have managed without your support! To know that people really care, means the world to me! I thank you from the bottom of my jumpy heart!
Dan and I have a very nice day planned for Christmas! We're making Glen a fun climb-about tunnel for his present and we'll be eating and drinking all day!
|My New Heroine Lil Bub|