Fear and Loathing of Dying of Cancer

I apologize to all my readers for not keeping you up to date. I've been laying low for the last two months while my eye was healing.  During this time, I've found that I've been quite paralyzed with fear. The fear of dying of cancer. I haven't been a normally functioning person. The fear crept up on me quiet like, and then pounced. It made my heart pound. My heart has been creeping and crawling around in my chest, beating hard like Pepe La Pew's chest popping heart, when he's after that cat! The feeling has made me so uncomfortable I'm unable to do almost everything. I really didn't think I had been thinking of dying, but I suppose I have. It's amazing what our subconscious is capable of.

Holter Monitor

At the end of September I was rejected from a clinical trial, was found to be in need of a blood transfusion, and had a grueling eye operation that I'm still recovering from. I have had, on and off for the last year, problems with my heart - racing, palpitations etc. I always blamed my prednisone, but every time I was tested for problems, the results showed nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until I wore what's called a Holter Monitor for 48 hours. This contraption revealed that I have chronic anxiety! The results below show what looks like children's scribblings. No wonder I've been so uncomfortable all the time!

Not Normal Heart Beats

I've yet to tell you the great news! The Zelboraf drug is working and my cancer is down! I only have cancer in my lungs. The bit that was in my small intestines and chest has gone! So I'm thinking I should be feeling great! Why am I not feeling great!? I should be racing around the block, jumping up and down and parachuting like some old lady doing her bucket list. Instead, I've been clutching at my chest, being short of breath and have a manic jimmy leg. I've been quite paralyzed for the last few weeks and haven't been able to do much of anything. I did take Dan on a trip to one of the neighboring towns, just to get out to do me some good - but sadly it ended in a white knuckled, full on panic attack at the wheel of our car on the highway! I made an early exit off the highway fearing I may succumb to my light-headedness, and drove slowly down the back roads home. I've now been prescribed Zoloft, and have seen a bonafide Psychiatrist who has diagnosed me as having chronic anxiety.

The Zelboraf has been a bit difficult to tolerate. I've broken out in a goose bumpy rash, and moles with skin tabs (luckily these were removed last week) - I've been looking like a haggard Witchy-Poo through October (which was at least seasonal) and November too! I get what Dan and I call Zelbor-Bumps. These are large red bumps on the bottom of my feet (it feels like I'm walking on marbles) and around joints, hands, elbows, knees etc. But they always go away after a few days.

I have also been, under doctors orders, weaning off of Prednisone and Levothyroxin which has made me incredibly emotional. It's leveled out now, but in my heightened emotional state my good friend Joe died unexpectedly. I couldn't believe it! As many others who dearly loved Joe, I couldn't imagine the world without him. It hit me very hard. It put the fear of death in me. I've thought of dying, but just can't imagine what that would be like. What would the experience be like? Would it hurt, and then not hurt? I watched my cat, my dear sweet Rufus die before my eyes. We had to put him down because of his kidney disease, and we chose to be with him, to comfort him when he was euthanized. It was horrible! There he was, my Rufus; then when the injection took hold he was gone. He was truly gone. He wasn't my Rufus any longer. Death is so strange. I'm here now and then one day I won't be here. I get sad when I think about the things I'll miss out on. Future things I couldn't know about. How can one miss the future? I do sometimes.  I think about Joe, and how he lives on in the people that loved him. I suppose I will live on in the people around me, in what they remember of me. I try not to be afraid, but I suppose there isn't a way to not fear the unknown. So I do my best to put it out of my mind and go on living like nothing is hanging over head. It's been harder with my eye not working well. I haven't painted, read, or been on the computer much. But now that my eye is healing, and I have a new glasses prescription, I plan to make some more music and do some more paintings and get back to living. I can't wait for that Zoloft to kick in!

I want to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday and a great New Year! And I want to thank everyone that has helped us out since my diagnoses. We couldn't have managed without your support! To know that people really care, means the world to me! I thank you from the bottom of my jumpy heart!

Dan and I have a very nice day planned for Christmas! We're making Glen a fun climb-about tunnel for his present and we'll be eating and drinking all day!

My New Heroine Lil Bub

Lil Bub is my new heroine, she helps her animal friends by raising awareness of important animal causes. Below is a quote from Lil Bub discussing her new face book page Lil Bub's Bubuddies:

Hey guys! It’s me, BUB. As you may or may not know, I try to help out other animals in need by sharing their stories on my page. I share stories about how to help out shelters, encouraging adoption, spaying and neutering and other important animal causes. I now get so many requests to post stories of this nature that I can’t share them all on my page, and that has been a hard thing to figure out because i’d like to try to help everyone I can. So that’s why I created this new page “Lil Bub’s Bubuddies”. This is a place where folks can submit stories of animals in need, fund-raisers and other animal-centric stuff for me to share. So please share this page with your friends anyone else that might find helpful or interesting.

Lub,
BUB