Dark vs Light

Please play this music by Haley Fohr's Circuit des Yeux while reading this post.
You can buy her new record 'Overdue' @ http://www.circuitdesyeux.net/
I'm in love with this record. Buy it, you'll be happy you did.

Fear. Paralyzing fear. This is what I've been struggling with these last few months. It sneaked up on me slow like the kudzu that takes over a tree. I didn't realize it until I was so over-taken, that all I could do was lay on the bed, unmotivated and shivering deep inside.

I was sort of buzzing, but at the same time I felt lifeless. I had the computer on my chest for days as I laid in bed, the only movement was from using my mouse to scroll through Facebook to see how other people were living their lives; then clicking ‘Like’ here and there.

I don't want to be afraid - but I am. I’m very afraid. I got a relatively good PET scan on July 9th. Tiny bits of melanoma in my left calf but nothing to worry about too much. And I was thinking - 'I’m really beating this thing!'

But that’s when the black ball of fear started to grow in me. I had a MRI scheduled for August 6th; I'd been having slight headaches and walking to the right a little more that I want to. I'm a like a car with unbalanced wheels, always pulling to the right; hitting door jams and grazing the refrigerator as I walk by.

It was really interesting - as soon as I was told I had two brain tumors, I felt such relief from the fear. I see now that most of the fear stemmed from the unknown. Once I knew what was going to happen, and a plan was in place; the fear subsided quite a bit.

I’m going back into the mask on August 22nd with the laser pointed at the dreaded spots. I've had Radio-Surgery done before, so I'm not too worried about the outcome this time - but three months from now when I get a follow up MRI; I'll be in that black space again, because if anything shows up then I'll have to do whole brain radiation (WBR) and that scares me to death. No one knows the complete effects of WBR - it’s different for each person. My brain surgeon can't give me an answer on how much I'll be affected by it. Most people lose their short term memory; which I already have some issues with. It can make people more susceptible to stroke, and Neurocognitive function impairment. Decline can be expected four months after treatment. To what degree is unknown.

I can see the pinpoint of the black mass of fear slowly opening again. I have been thinking of death in abstract ways. Life is abstract. Existence is abstract. The meaning of life is elusive - some say the meaning of life is just the task of living.

Viktor Frankl concludes that the meaning of life is found in every moment of living; life never ceases to have meaning, even in suffering and death. People who have some reason to reach for, some hope to achieve something will live longer. When a person loses hope, he is doomed.

 It’s an amazing thing that no one in the world knows what happens when consciousness ceases to exist in a person. By all means it is the definition of death - but what then? Nothing? Something? Reincarnation? Do I exist in a parallel universe, and if so will that be enough for me? I suppose I wouldn't know because I could die in that universe too! All this thinking makes my tumors throb.

 I’m trying to put in order what I think and what I want to do once I'm gone. I am leaning towards a green funeral. You can find out what states have facilities for green funerals at the Green Burial Council. Lucky for me, there is a place in Raleigh where you can be buried without embalming fluid and without a grave-stone - just some trees and natural wilderness to grow around you. I want to be minus the coffin too! Just a burial shroud and it doesn't have to be a fancy one - just one that will biodegrade.

 I had my wonderful beast friend Rufus cremated when he passed six years ago. I would like him to be buried with me; his ashes laid out along my side. I think that would make him happy too! He’s been cramped up in a little white plastic box on our fireplace mantle far too long. Then we could play 'patty cake patty cake' together forever and ever. And maybe hook up with my first love, Slash. He was a black version of Rufus, and my first special furry friend. I was 13 when he died, it was tragic.

I had thought I was going to die early on in my diagnoses, and a few times since. So behind Dan’s back, I contacted local funeral homes. Yikes!!! I asked for a break down in prices. Coffin vs Cremation. I thought cremation would be cheaper - but you have to buy a body box. It was $400.00! For a cardboard box!! I called the manufacture of body boxes, and they were selling it wholesale for $19.00! My God! That’s a mark up!

I asked them if I could order just one. They said no, they only sell to funeral homes, not individuals. So I called the funeral home and asked if I could use a refrigerator box. No - not allowed! Crazy! They got us all over a barrel! If you would like some fact's about the true cost of end of life services refer to this website: Funerals and Rip-Offs.

Some good news: I found out that I get my burial paid for by the Osage tribe for up to $3,000.00 - and I can be buried anywhere in the United States. That's the bit of land we American Indians get back from the genocide of the Indian Wars and the land that was stolen from the indigenous people by the white immigrants of the "New United States".

 So, awhile ago I saw this great talk on TED, by Jae Rhim Lee, about cremation and how it releases toxins into the air, and Jae came up with a death suit made of dirt, mushroom spores and bugs. That sounds appealing to me, you get a jump start on giving back to the world. I’d rather be a tree than be under one.

Another interesting thing about what happens to the brain when near death, is that there is a defense system in place inside the Pineal Gland called Dimethyltryptamine (DMT). When the brain is in danger the pineal gland releases DMT creating white light and psychedelic epiphanies. This DMT can be found in most living things and is easy to find in certain plants. It is used in ceremonies in the Amazon jungles, to see the reality of the world. 

I found this interesting - because while watching You Tube videos of people's experiences I recognized that I too had that experience in the hospital when I was in my first round of IL-2. What I wrote back then mirrors what these many people experienced in their life changing epiphanies. 

Written on March 27th, 2011.

The Meaning Of Life Between Each Blink

I kept the DVD player going day and night - it got easier to watch, it became great company. The thing about it was, that as the days went on - I started to see things behind the images. There were bright yellow, trimmed in black, triangles and rectangles holding all the images in place. Each particle of an actors face was hinged on one of these geometric shapes. I could only see them when the scene changed or when I blinked. I noticed as I reached the higher numbers in the amount of doses I took,  I could see there was something behind everything that existed when I blinked.  Maps, formulas, and equations squashed in-between the spot where your upper and lower eye lid meet. These images showed how everything is put together, how all things work - the secret to life if you will.  I kept thinking that's so much information for one person to know. How could I possibly retain it all. So when Dan popped in to watch over me I tried to forget about it and instead told him of my animal friends waiting for me at home. Dan asked which friends? And I replied, " Beaky (our sweet parakeet),  and you know, the furry hippo!"  Dan just laughed!

Quotes on Death

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

I'm strongly against it! - Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity. Edvard Munch

Never, never, never give up. Winston Churchill

I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.

Rosa Parks

So I guess I'm just doing my best to live and keep on the edge of excitement and creativity, and confront my fear to make friends with it, and learn from it. I've been practicing meditation, I find it hard - but I want to learn to be with myself and be aware of the world around me - I'm sure there are so many things I've paid no attention to in the past.

Funeral stills from Who are you Molly Magoo


Love to everyone who has been so caring - it's been very special to know I have such great support  around me. It's one of the things that keep me going. Thank you!

I would love it if anyone that reads my blog would become a member of my page - but don't feel that you have to.
And if anyone wants to share about their feelings of how they want to go or what they think what happens at the point of death. I'd love to know your views. Just make a comment. I'd be interested in what other people think. Love!

The Many Faces of Cancer - These Are All Mine

Donate to the Melchior Fund

Well, I got two new Brain Tumors, I found out on April 30th after my MRI. The next day I was re-fitted for my face mask. I have to say it was very tight! I can't think of many worse things than being clamped to a table with a plastic mesh mask clamped to my poor old head. At least this time there wasn't a fly landing on my nose every two seconds. I go in on May 7th for my radio surgery. Again the worse part is being clamped to the table. The radiation dosen't hurt. I may get a headache, but it shouldn't be too bad.

This is the MRI of my spots. Funny, I also noticed on these MRI's that my nose is crooked. When they went in for my Pituitary surgery in 2011 the guy said he fixed my nose - to me it looks like he twisted it - It's all out of shape! Anyway you can see on the new MRI circled in blue, is a new tumor - in the old MRI it's just beginning  to show. Then I also have a new tumor on the top of the ol' noggin. I'm lucky that these are small and shouldn't pose a threat. The doctors say they're too small to make a difference, but I swear I can feel them affecting my balance. It's also hard to type correctly - though I'm on a lot of drugs and my eye is still fuzzy from that detached retina - so, it's hard to tell where one symptom ends and another begins! 

This is the machine I'll revisit next week.

These days, I'm more concerned about my stomach issues. My upper intestines are always aching - but I'm getting that checked out next week. I hope it can get sorted, because if I wasn't doubled over with pain all the time - I'd be feeling pretty good!  Aside from the nuggets in my brain - I don't have cancer anywhere else. I had a scare in the beginning of the month. I had a hard knot in my breast ( the one that's always acting out and wanting attention) It was deemed suspicious, and biopsied and thank God; it was just an annoying cyst!

So, I've been dealing with some stressful issues regarding Medicare. I will be dropped by my insurance and go into the medicare system starting June 1st. I've had 24 months of SS disabilities, so I automatically get transfered. It's so confusing!!!! I have to get supplemental coverage plans, and I have to try to find financial aid to pay for my $10,000.00 per month drug, Zelboraf. Apparently I have to go through some $2,989.00 Medicare doughnut hole then, start paying co-pays on drugs. My co-pay for Zelboraf would be $585 per month. So now I have to try to get on their financial plan to get either free drugs or very cut rate prices. I'm filling out so many forms! And I can't see! Everything is blurry and I have short-term memory loss! YIKES!!! I find it so stressful! 

I have gotten someone to guide me and hold my hand through this amazing foundation called the Patient Advocate Foundation! They're a god-send!!! If you need help with any aspect of being a patient they're there to help! They'll make phone calls for you and keep track of what your next step should be. They are just great! Go there and find help!! 

Patient Advocate Foundation or Call PAF's case management team at 1-800-532-5274 or email them at:     help@patientadvocate.org 

I would like to thank all those people who have contributed to my medical fund and to those who have thrown benefits in the past, and to those who have future events planned. Thank you to WXDU in Durham and the Pinhook, Greg Cartwright, Joint D≠ , The Dirty Little Heaters, and of course my wonderful loving husband Dan Melchior. It was a fun night! It took me two days to get back to my normal strength. I over extended myself. Here are a few highlights of the night:

My sweet Hero!

Greg was kind enough to humor me in some wiggy fun!

Joint D≠

We, Dan and I, found ourselves in the vehicle line at McDonalds since the inside was locked but they were still serving the cars. I guess you had to be there; but everyone was laughing, including the people behind us (about 6 cars worth)! It was fun.

It was goofy, but we were hungry!

Now, don't judge me; but I have gotten into a bad habit of trying to look un-cancery, and have gone beyond the pale! I'm now addicted to wigs, fake eyebrows, fake contacts, glittery-sparkles and photoshop! What can I say! It's fun to play dress-up and pretend that I'm a Normal.

Below are my brown contacts that hide the scars on my eye and make my iris's sharper.

The wig I'm wearing is an $8.00 wig I ordered in February off of Amazon. It was made in China and had free shipping so I knew it would take a long time to arrive. But it was getting ridiculous! It took many many emails from Yvonne (? - a US configuration of her real name I'm sure) to figure out what happened to it. Seems it had arrived in Durham but the postal person couldn't read the address, so it had got sent all the way back to where it came from. Then they had to boat it over again. Somehow it smells like a Chinese grocery, but it'll air out with wear!

Then there are the purple contacts I got just for fun!! Yes I look crazy - but in most light you can't tell they're purple and they just look like an odd brown, and not like a zombie's eyes when they see something tasty.

Violet Eye's don't happen in nature - but they're purdy!

Who is this person?!!!!

OL' BLUE EYES!

I thought the Blue eyes would off set the druggie round face! But no I'm stuck with a druggie round face for awhile!

I don't know who I look like, but it's not me. Dan hates these blue contacts.

Maybe this is why! I look hypnotized! Notice in the background, how lucky I am to have been sent Edward Gorey's The Black Doll made by Necessaries Toy Foundation . Thank you Two-bit Johnny! I look like one of the FAWN Candy Girl dolls!

more blue.

I've been possessed! I'm just looking for ways of taking control of how I look I suppose.

Hello, I am Hans, your tour guide on this cruise of the Rhine - next sausage break 18.00 hours!
Caption by Dan

Now this is the real me! I got tired of my real hair. It changed into an 15 year old wire-haired dog, named Tuffy's hair! UGLY!!! MANGEY!!! It was out of control, and made me feel like my old next door neighbor Margie, who's perm didn't quite take. AWFUL!!! I was so bald in some places and not in others. What to do?!!  We are taking back control over here, and cancer will not make my choices for me when it comes to hair styles! So Dan cut my hair in to a Mohawk!

I love my Mohawk! It'll be much cooler for summer and under wigs. (I'm very susceptible to the sun because of my drug) I'll be using Lots of sunscreen!!!!

I thought I could look like Gary Panters WFMU cat! And if I make my Mohawk into a flat top, I could go for the look of Jimbo! RAW!

I also have to let you know, that I was the lucky person that got to model the new Jim Krewson Tee for Brian Turners show on WFMU!  Listen to Brian's archived shows!

Here's spiting in your purple eye cancer!!!!!

PS: Monday, May 6th, is Melanoma Awareness Day - so get out your 80's black clothes and dress like a goth! Oh! I got it wrong you are suppose to wear Orange to show support. I'll have to get some orange contacts!

A Good Comb-Over Does Wonders!

In this blog I want to call attention to all the people that have helped us by coming up with great ideas to raise money for my medical expenses, which are going to be changing for the worse later this year! It's really going to be hard to keep up. 
I want to thank Johnny Brewton and his press X-Ray Book & Novelty Co for making this Broadside of Dan's poem 'Hello, my name is Barbeque'.  There have been 100 copies made that are to be given to anyone who makes a $20.00 or more donation to my medical fund. The size of the broadside (14X6 and 3/4's) and is a 3 color letterpress on high quality paper/card stock. That $20 includes shipping.

Or, for $35 (including shipping) sent to brokerevue@hotmail.com through paypal, you can get the broadside and the album 'C.C.D.E Music' Dan's newest release. (pictured above)

The Photo below is shocking - at least to me it is; but I have found the wonders of a good comb-over and cover up! When looking on in disgust, keep in mind this means my drugs are working! So I have to look at this new development as a good one! I'm going to embrace it and turn it into as Dan says, "A hat parade!" I can't seem to settle on any one look in particular. Depending on the temperature - too hot - too cold - which one is just right? It's hard to say. I've already had three on today!

You may wonder "What is this a photo of??  Focus, and then it comes clear that I have gone quite bald in spots.

Is this the hunch back of Noter-dame's mis-shaped head? No it's just me, going bald! But with the right comb-over I can still pull off a Semi-decent hair-day; as long as the wind is still. And thank god for the Eyebrows which can be found at Headcovers Unlimited. They're fantastic and stay on for days!!!! I've even showered with them. They really stick. For anyone who's tired of drawing  eyebrows on their face; I highly suggest getting these.

So now it's show and tell time with all my new headcovers and wigs!

Here I am as a WFMU supporter gal! I'm in my longest wig and eyebrows!

Don't forget that this is WFMU pledge time. Let's keep our favorite radio station up and running! They got hit hard by Sandy last year and need extra help this year! So pledge and get some great swag like the hat and shirt I'm wearing!

WFMU MARATHON 2013

_______________________________________________________

Here is my longest and lightest weight wig. I suppose it'll be good in the summer, but it's a bit loose and the wind could send it flying! I got it free at Duke's Boutique where they give a free wig, scarf, woolly hat and turban to those that have lost their hair. I feel like a teenager in this one!

This is a hair hat I made myself. Inspired by Wear With Attitude fake fur hats by Ms Presto! She even gave me tips on how to make this one. In an instructional You Tube video shot in the nude!!! I love her!! For those who don't want to go through all the trouble to sew your own,  go to Ms Presto's great webstore in the link above. I've had so many compliments on this one. And it's my personal fave to wear!

Notice in the photo above the painting Dan did of the day he and I first met at a party in 1999!

This is a free scarf from Duke Boutique! And wig from the ghetto store down the street! 

The wig that looks most like my hair used to!

That same wig in pig tails! 

My favorite scarf that used to belong to Clare Harmon. I love it, and think of Clare just about every day! I wear it a lot!!!!!

My least favorite acquisition from the Duke Boutique - Dan thinks it looks too much like a cancer cap.

My prison scarf  - I love it! It'll be great for summer. Here it looks more like a railroad train hat.  But photos are deceiving.

 

My favorite hat that I got in Wilmington. People think I'm a crazy loon when wearing this. I don't see why! It's so cute! They must be afraid of clowns!

And I look good in it!

Me looking pretty good for a beat up, dissected cancer person!

I want to thank all the people that have given their time and efforts to put on benefits. 

Tom Abs and Adam Downey of Northern Spy, and WFMU's great Brian Turner.

NYMPH
http://bandofnymph.bandcamp.com/

Peter Stampfel (of the Holy Modal fuggin' Rounders)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrQGR87EDZM

Key Of Shame
http://decimus.bandcamp.com/album/key-of-shame

Greg Fox
He's in Japan with ZS right now: http://www.infinitelimbs.com/#01d/tumblr

DJS
WFMU's Brian Turner

Tickle Polyester 

Zak Boerger for putting together Circuit des Yeux, Rabid Rabbit, These Wonderful Evils, and Nad Navillus

Melissa Oresky for her Collage on Demand

Hugo Santos, Manel Pena, and Gloria De Lotos in Spain.

Univers in Barcelona, Spain

And to all the people that have donated to my fund - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for keeping us going and for keeping my spirits high! I love you all!!!! 

If there's anyone that I didn't mention please forgive me, and know that you were thanked too! I couldn't get along without the help of others!

LOVE!!!!!